so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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