She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
