party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
