i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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