just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
