I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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