I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
