there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
