I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
