Someone shit on the floor
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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