mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
