Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
