have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
this boner is exhausting
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You need Xanax blowdarts
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize