you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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