i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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