Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
