Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I cut my penus on the lid.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
