nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
this hospital has no fireball
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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