I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
