Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
