Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
do herpes really smell.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
