Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize