there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
