Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize