Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
