im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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