true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
