I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
