Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
