well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
