I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
