Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize