the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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