I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Fuck appropriateness.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
