there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
