are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
