6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so let's talk penis.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
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