Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
