And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
