Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
