"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
