okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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