this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
