the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
