i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
