if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
