Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
