i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
