I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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