i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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