Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Randomize
