I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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