the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
