I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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