i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
