I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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