You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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