I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
