You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
