I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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