Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
