put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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