Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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