it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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