I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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