its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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