So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
