I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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