Do you still have your period?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
