The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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