fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
