She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
