Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
well you can't waste a boner
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
