went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize