and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
