your thong is hanging out like whoa
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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