Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
