I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I wish there were birth control emojis
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You were trust falling into bushes
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize